This I received in an email from a dear sister-priestess friend of mine. It related to a recent experience (to a lesser degree) I personally had not too long ago and I had to lovingly release a friend. I have a deep affection for this friend, although she seems to have been hurt and has some ideas of what she thinks transpired with our communications, (she is mistaken) and has in her own way, lashed out and in her anger has questioned my calling myself a priestess.
Like it or not, this is part of that path. It’s not an easy path. Sometimes we have to make decisions based on our experience and intuition of what we know is right for ourselves. Sometimes, in fact, often this can put as odds with others. However, this does not diminish our role as a priestess in the community. This is what comes with the package. We need be able to recognize when we are giving and someone else is just taking and not dealing with their own issues. No matter how much we have try to encourage them, honored them and their unique talents and gifts, sometimes all they can do is take–even when they do not realize it or mean to.
In my own personal experience, it was a deep pain to my heart. I struggled with this very much and I miss my friend deeply. But I know in my heart it is the best thing for both of us to have parted ways. In regard this dear woman that I love and honor in many ways,I believe when she honestly and truly realizes how wonderful, beautiful and amazing she is as a woman she will not react out of anger or hostility with a point to prove, or try to be demeaning and put me down but she will instead understand why I did what I did. (or anyone else that she might feel has rejected her) And when she has understanding, she will have begun to (hopefully) experience some healing within.
But until one can take ownership and accept that there could be a problem within, on any level, then no healing can take place. That is what I wish for her. Healing, love and a sense of pride in herself to know that she is a remarkable and amazing woman all unto herself.
Narcissistic Wounds; On Intrusive Egotism, a Form of Jealousy.
by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Dear Brave Souls: A soul asks about an adult family member ‘dogging’ them as some call it… imitating what they do, taking note of what others praise them about … and then trying to copy those material and personal things and endeavors themselves… instead of living free-standing with their own ideas and especially their own callings from ‘the still small voice.’
Instead they take their cues not from within, but by looking to see what another seems to be doing/gaining/having… and wanting what the other has materially, but most of all, coveting the energy, gifts, outcomes, aura around the other, the imagined approval and lauding they imagine the other(s) receive… that they themselves they do not enjoy… thus some people copycat a targeted other.
In a positive light, we share resources with friends and relatives who give reciprocity in great or even medium kind or quiescent kind. That would constitute a healthy symbiosis, in which each person thrives fairly much from/with the other, by spoken or unspoken invitation, but mostly committed most days to be engaged. There is respect for privacy and time away or alone or with others, not including the friend, also.
It is perceived as a burden however to be pulled into a relationship in which one person too often attempts to suck the energy and inspiration out of the other so only one is supported …and the other grows more and more tired,for nothing sustaining is given back. People who may deplete others, are most often intruding without meaning to, or perhaps intruding because they have not yet taken stock with a helper who will tell them the truth of their gifts but also about where they tread too heavily, overstep boundaries, telling them what needs specific healing…
That is not usually a conversation one can have with a friend whose being depleted: Tell me my faults, tell me what bugs you. That literally continues to deplete the other person to have to give more thought to the entire matter than the person asking.
Also, a friend is not usually trained in the dodges and feints a negative complex will force the person into in order to avoid being cornered, in order to hear without hearing a healing is needed.. Healing is different than knowledge alone. It is homework to practice over a long period of time, often for life, a set of serious healing practices… it is retooling basic attitudes at root with support and guidance from the psyche, it is decontaminating whatever the person is carrying that is hurting them, and much more.
Some who intrude on others, are in the habit of resisting taking stock of themselves honestly, and resist maturing as long as their pleadings and intrusions can lure one more person to try to help them, give to them, allow intrusions, often those whose instincts and boundaries are injured themselves…
Those who take more, ask for more than another has to give, or press for intimacy when they are not invited to, often are driven by their jealousy and envy to take in some other way then, what is not offered and what does not belong to them.
To say no to a person in this dilemma is often carried by that person straight into their oldest wound… for they often do not see others as separate people with lives separate from their life… and they are often puzzled, for they feel they give very much, and will often make a long list of what they give to others.
But most often, an able person who takes far too much without giving back in a way that makes others happy to see them… never asked what other persons recognize as sustaining to begin with. Thus others feel more and more fatigued when pressed to be the siphon source without limits. And if asked what they want in terms of being given to, the honest answer might be ‘nothing.’ Which sets a further conundrum for a person with a narcissistic injury to the self, as they seldom or never feel they want ‘nothing’ and this can puzzle greatly.
Most of us are highly sensitive to being exploited and colonized by people as yet unable to stand on their own. The instinctual psyche signals us to move away from anything and anyone who begins to try to invade, thieve time and energy, tries to steal pieces and parts to copy from the body, mind, heart, soul or spirit of another’s private life and self, work and family life… who takes our time but appears to put it to waste because of their own fragilities. This overwhelming of others and copying them comes from neediness for a sense of self that just isn’t solid enough yet.
As I’ve mentioned many times to you all before, the derivative self is not the same as the true self. Each soul deserves a true self rather than a copied or jerry-rigged one
The good news is that whatever a person with narcissistic woundoverwhelms others with, that is, demands for time, being seen, looked at, listened to, helped, given to, supported, understood, aimed, given feedback etc.,… is precisely what they would need to do for themselves and by themselves with a qualified person who wont let them veer away as they are wont to do… to create a strong healing for themselves…
that is, to demand not of others, but of oneself… mercy, reliance, unequivocal commitment, consistent time to work on the tangle inside, consistent seeing of wounds especially as some are wont to brag about what they perceive as their talents or material acquisitions…rather than giving decent and deep time to healing their own tearings, learning self calming and self-restraint, being able to stand without props, to have more than a passing idea of what is appropriate and when, and to be a real person… a number one real, not a copy or a self parted out.
It is an act of mercy toward the child spirit that suffers so, to actually seek help in a closed circle with a helper, instead of going on to seek more global one-way nourishment elsewhere.
Sometimes those dedicated to coveting and imitating, playing out their jealousies, attempt to punish the other if they wont cooperate and give more and more time, energy without complaint, live with wide open boundaries.
(Understand persons in this challenge truly cannot figure out how to be a whole self, it is not malicious and it is not purposeful… it is unsconsious …often until they are told point blank, and sometimes over and over again until it penetrates past their negative armoring… that what they say they want, they indeed can have, but only by being real instead of a derivative of someone else, and only by not only giving these things to oneself in quality, but accepting them from self.)
Aggressive attempts and violations of others’ boundaries occur because envy draws the person to the host, but regardless of how much the host gives, the person will eventually punish them for not being everything, everything, everything… thus depleting the host til there’s nothing left to give.
Sometimes the person will ask the host, Is this depleting you, am i draining you? And most hosts will demur to not answer honestly, in part because the person who is overwhelming others is not proceeding honestly either. Again, not their fault, and not malicious. It’s one of the only ways left to them after a narcissistic wound to sense of self.
Least useful: The person who’s driven to drain/ appropriate energy not freely given… goes on to a new host.
Most useful: the person turns toward themselves and asks how to heal this hunger than cannot be satiated no matter how much others give… it’s never enough, never right enough, and espcially never allows the other person to be real either. Real people need rest, respite, grace, love, care, support… in ways they can recognize such truly. It is within their birthright to calmly seek these as they wish without qualifying them with second or third parties.
This form of aggressive jealousy by imitation, is not felt as ‘honoring,’ or ‘admiring’, as it steals bites of someone else’s energy, violating other’s boundaries without permission, intruding where one has not been invited, but just barged in on, saying ‘Hope you don’t mind.’
This is not ok to another person’s spirit or soul. Being grabby, possessive, needlessly competitive unless there’s a triathalon, imitating others as a ‘compliment’ …isnt a compliment. It’s stealing others’ jing because one has what I’d call unreliable current, rolling brownouts of energy and certainty, or none of one’s own self-comfort, help, support, availible consistently from within.
People do mind. Most want to be at peace and have as much sacrosanct space as they can. For many it is hard to hold boundaries with people who are pushy and fragile both… that is, until they are drained. Then the boundaries go up, as they must, for the cohesiveness of the individual.
Being drained means one has to then turn to repairing oneself. Few will submit to having their lives drained by an adult, whether co-worker, friend, family member, neighbor… who is capable of healing but hasnt yet or wont, thereby causing others to have to take much time to heal from their onslaughts.
Most adults learn as they mature …to choose their days and activities by those which augment their peace, stable sense of selfhood, their time to be inward and know, their time to act with focused and humble commitment to what matters most, perhaps too, not to them, but to the One who speaks to and through them.
In this case, jealousy, envy, intrusiveness, copying and draining others, demanding from others, are actually secondary issues. The core underlying issue is a serious lack of respect of the wound to one’s own true self … ignoring it, or mending it a bit, feeling a bit better then losing focus and forgetting until it comes roaring back again…
We might expect this kind of agressive jealousy and intruding toward an 18 year old by his youngest sibling say age 10. The ten year old is simply immature and wants to be a grown up and wants to ‘show his stuff.’ Because of his naivete, he doesnt yet realize he’ll be wanting his own style soon, going his own way, not his brother’s way. It’s human nature to want to excel… but in one’s own way. Not being a mini-clone so that everyone says, Boy he sure takes after Federico. Rather, ‘He sure is a one of a kind guy.’
Adults who try to duplicate another person in part or in full, also have an original self, it’s just that it is still not quite fully developed because of wound barriers. And what an adult might find charming in a ten year old who wants to be 40 overnight, is not the same when it’s an adult intruding on an adult.
Yet, these mild to medium narcissistic wounds are so worthy to heal. And so is a quest to find the self and to mature and mend… hard work, and worth it. This healing quest also earns respect from those who have done this kind of hard work themselves, who have pretty successfully re-discovered and now strongly care for the true self, also… no longer attaching to others who can temporarily lift, but cannot sustain.
After all is said and done, it’s not about having love or attention or sympathy. It’s not about others thinking one is wonderful at something. It’s not about being lauded, or ‘getting stuff done’ or accruing, or doing something noble or huge or small ‘out there.’ It’s about healing.
As we all know, we all carry this and that in terms of complexes and box canyons in the psyche that can make us miserable, and usually when we are ‘caught’ in some hobble, we often also spin about looking for relief, for medicine that works, fast.
That may be the operative factor in wounds that do not get healed… the lack of patience. the lack of effective craft given to the healing time needed … instead of going for ‘fast.’ This kind of wounding takes evenhanded, consistent, long term work to mend. Each break in a bone or in the psyche has its healing time.
We know of no way to rush healing, only how to delay it by not tending to it. Like the body, the psyche has its mending ways, times and tolerances also..
Thus, there is medicine that is temporarily palliative for pain but must be taken repeatedly … and there is medicine that strongly and reliably heals.
Consider this: you’re in the hospital. You have a broken leg. People can give you attention all day and all night. People can love you to pieces. People can help you by cleaning your house, bringing you soup every day, telling you you’re great, telling you this is terrible that you broke your leg, holding your hand, reading to you, complimenting you, telling you your leg will soon be good as new, listening to the story over and over of how your leg came to be broken, how much you suffer, and so on.
But your leg wont heal unless the bones are also set, unless a cast is carefully molded around it, unless you keep this cast on for a considerable time, unless you elevate this limb, unless you keep pressure off it, unless you eat and take adequate vitamins and minerals to mend bone, unless you have an expert to help with these matters, unless you go to rehab after the cast is off, unless you treat the leg gently, unless you exercise your leg to build muscle, unless you fix the dang unreliable staircase you fell down because the steps collapsed.
Thus the map back to true home is writ.
There is great hope and a good resolution for those who are not yet mended in the ways described. Perhaps they’ve worked and worked at it, and it is time to work at it again. That would be good on them and those near and dear to them.
I think too, one can decide not to do the work, or not to do any more, or not take whatever helps might be availible to them; yet the price for that may be very high compared with the cost of just doing the work, learning the controls to the vehicle called body, mind, spirit, soul, more capably.
When one is willing to do that work and willing to take and give to themselves… what it really takes to mend, strengthen and stand as oneself only… not just all the peripherals that often
fall out the bottom and are not sustaining… one will be mended, one will be strengthened. One will stand uniquely, no longer bereft of the self.
In the meantime, all are given permission to draw their boundaries where they make most sense to the individual, and to say no, yes, maybe, maybe not, later, and no, not ever… whenever they see fit on whichever day, and to expect to have those reasoned boundaries they draw be respected, and without wheedling, whining questioning by oneself, or others.
The more we are healed, the more we understand ‘the full hearted Yes,’ and the more easily we accept ‘the full-hearted No’… whether we understand the reasons or destiny for it or not.
‘The No,’ by my sights, means just this: this door is not yours to open. Travel onward; there are many other doors ahead. Many may not open to you either, but some will. Keep going. And most of all tend to your own healing.
Thankfully, our strength and our healings are not dependent on any person– not one– other than ourselves.
Praise be for that…
and with love,